Sadness and depression are a natural part of the grieving process when a relationship ends. Unlike playing the victim, which is in example of taking sadness and depression to far, I simply must point out in this article that these feelings are totally normal and to deny them would be wrong.
You need to acknowledge and honour these feelings, you need to cry when you feel the need and work through your sadness, anger, hurt and all those negative emotions that rear their ugly head when love comes to an end. No-one can help the way they feel, and no-one should deny how they feel. However there are things that can eventuate from feeling sad and depressed that could lead to mistakes.
It is important that I stress the point here that your own mental well-being is your first priority and if crying, or writing your thought of sadness in a journal help you with the grieving process then do it. Do whatever makes you feel better. I know for me, that having a good cry when I’m sad helps me. It is also necessary for your own mental well-being to not let depression get out of control. These feelings can sometimes take over, and really do some damage. It’s awfully hard to know where to draw the line, given that you should be acknowledging your emotions.
So how do you know where to draw the line? Are you laying around on the lounge day after day in your night-gown, unable or not willing to leave the house? Are you refusing invitation from friends to go out and do things, choosing to be alone with your thoughts? Are you drinking to excess? Do you feel cranky all the time? Do you feel as though you are in a black hole (this is how one friend who has depression described it to me) and cannot climb out? If you can relate to any of the above, especially the last question, then I would say you are in trouble. If you are nodding your head as you are reading this, please, I implore you to see your doctor or a counselor and seek some help.
Crying, feeling sad and angry, feeling guilty are all normal emotions. And eventually you will be able to deal with these feelings a lot better. And for the first few weeks after a break up; it is normal to feel teary eyed and sad. Feeling guilty is another part of the process. You may not agree, but you could be feeling bad for whatever your part in the break up was. You may not even know why they broke it off. I didn’t when this happened to me. You may not want to know, but if you intend on re-uniting with your ex, you must resolve all issues before you make a decision to re-enter the relationship.
Lastly I will say, honor your feelings and do not deny them, but be careful that your sadness and depression is not taking over. If you feel in any doubt at all go and seek some help as soon as possible.
Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton
Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove
You will find more information available, articles and relationship advice and tips at Jel's websites:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Women - How We Disconnect From Who We Are
WOMEN – HOW WE DISCONNECT FROM WHO WE ARE
I write this article to all women who have disconnected from themselves and are seeking answers to better understand themselves. I write this article also, for men who love women and constantly ask the question “What do women want?” Hopefully this article will provide some answers.
Women are genetically programmed to look after everybody – we are the nurturers and the care-givers within society. Women are extremely intuitive; we can sense people’s needs even before they do. We know when a friend is hurting. We know when our baby is about to cry. We know when our partner is annoyed. If someone sneezes, we may bless them. If someone is angry we may offer a smile. We do what we can to make everybody happy. Women are extremely supportive of their loved ones and we just love to love.
The problem here is that when we as women make pleasing others our main priority, we do this by sacrificing who we are. We forget to take care of ourselves. We fail to remember that our lives are just as important because we fear our loved ones will resent us if we take time out for ourselves. Our needs tend to come last.
We are trained from the time we are young girls that to be a loving person means to take everyone’s feelings into account. No father will ever say to his daughter, as he would his son, “Go out there and kick butt sugar, make them all seem like nothing compared to you.” Instead we are told to be kind, to share, to empathize, to apologize, and to forgive. These are good deeds. It would be nice if men would learn more of these actions, and in all fairness some men are extremely adept at performing these behaviours. As women however, we perform these too much. We give when we should insist on receiving. We excuse others when we should state our ultimatum. We ask for forgiveness when we should insist on an apology. When women are performing these behaviours in the examples above; we are not being authentic, we are not speaking our truth and we do not love ourselves enough.
For women, taking time out for ourselves is a matter of psychological and spiritual survival. If we don’t do this, we will be sucked dry by everyone and everything that needs us. We need to create time to simply give to ourselves only, and not anyone else. It is a deep act of caring for ourselves as women. To confess the absolute truth – we are not good at this. Women are uncomfortable doing things just for themselves. We feel guilty. We feel as though we are abandoning everyone, and so feel the need to apologize when we take care of ourselves.
The worst thing anyone can ever call a woman is selfish! Most of us would rather be called anything than that. Call us a wimp, a pushover, a coward, a love addict, but don’t call us selfish. Selfish means we are not taking care of our loved ones needs. Selfish means we only care for ourselves and selfish means we are not women.
When we are constantly giving to our families, partners, friends and the like, these people in our life have most likely come to depend on us. They have been accustomed to receiving our free advice, emotional support, home cooked dinners, clean clothes and so on and so forth. Therefore these people will not like it very much when we as women decided to take time out for ourselves. They may express their discontentment or become irritated and grumpy. Ignore them. They will get used to our special private moments and come to understand and respect our needs and wants.
A few years ago, I made a big change in my life when I ended an unhappy relationship. I stopped socializing and spent most of my free time focusing on my daughter and my work, study and my writing. It was a time in my life where I needed to be myself and find out who I was. I felt very selfish saying no to people, but this experience also taught me how to be assertive and learn to say no. I’m sure I upset a few people during this time as I was not as easily available to people as I was before. No-one has actually come to me and said “You selfish bitch!” “How dare you take time out for yourself!” I felt like people were thinking it, however. So, how do I feel about it? Absolutely wonderful. That time that I spent on my own self development would have to be one of the most wonderful gifts I have ever given myself.
Today as I am writing this article, I am in a position where I am totally alone, as my daughter has left home. I have a wonderful, special man in my life, but he lives a long way from me. Being alone does not bother me, as I know things are going along as they are meant to. I am quite content to use the time I have to do things I have always wanted to do, like write a book, apply for jobs where my partner lives and plan my move there. I am not focusing on any outcomes, just moving slowly towards what I want in life. Nevertheless, if things were different and I was living with my partner and daughter, I would take time out for me. I would take care of myself and my personal needs, as this is something that is really important to me. Women need to tell their loved ones what it is they need and if they’re loved ones don’t like it, eventually they will come around. My partner is always telling me to look after myself, do what makes me happy and to stop worrying about everyone else. I whole-heartedly agree with him and I suggest that all women out there do the same.
Copyright 2005 Janelle Coulton
Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional writer of articles, essays and short stories. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have questions about human relationships or have relationship troubles. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny, she loves to encourage her readers to look at the big picture. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo!
You will find more information available, articles and relationship advice and tips at Jel's websites:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
I write this article to all women who have disconnected from themselves and are seeking answers to better understand themselves. I write this article also, for men who love women and constantly ask the question “What do women want?” Hopefully this article will provide some answers.
Women are genetically programmed to look after everybody – we are the nurturers and the care-givers within society. Women are extremely intuitive; we can sense people’s needs even before they do. We know when a friend is hurting. We know when our baby is about to cry. We know when our partner is annoyed. If someone sneezes, we may bless them. If someone is angry we may offer a smile. We do what we can to make everybody happy. Women are extremely supportive of their loved ones and we just love to love.
The problem here is that when we as women make pleasing others our main priority, we do this by sacrificing who we are. We forget to take care of ourselves. We fail to remember that our lives are just as important because we fear our loved ones will resent us if we take time out for ourselves. Our needs tend to come last.
We are trained from the time we are young girls that to be a loving person means to take everyone’s feelings into account. No father will ever say to his daughter, as he would his son, “Go out there and kick butt sugar, make them all seem like nothing compared to you.” Instead we are told to be kind, to share, to empathize, to apologize, and to forgive. These are good deeds. It would be nice if men would learn more of these actions, and in all fairness some men are extremely adept at performing these behaviours. As women however, we perform these too much. We give when we should insist on receiving. We excuse others when we should state our ultimatum. We ask for forgiveness when we should insist on an apology. When women are performing these behaviours in the examples above; we are not being authentic, we are not speaking our truth and we do not love ourselves enough.
For women, taking time out for ourselves is a matter of psychological and spiritual survival. If we don’t do this, we will be sucked dry by everyone and everything that needs us. We need to create time to simply give to ourselves only, and not anyone else. It is a deep act of caring for ourselves as women. To confess the absolute truth – we are not good at this. Women are uncomfortable doing things just for themselves. We feel guilty. We feel as though we are abandoning everyone, and so feel the need to apologize when we take care of ourselves.
The worst thing anyone can ever call a woman is selfish! Most of us would rather be called anything than that. Call us a wimp, a pushover, a coward, a love addict, but don’t call us selfish. Selfish means we are not taking care of our loved ones needs. Selfish means we only care for ourselves and selfish means we are not women.
When we are constantly giving to our families, partners, friends and the like, these people in our life have most likely come to depend on us. They have been accustomed to receiving our free advice, emotional support, home cooked dinners, clean clothes and so on and so forth. Therefore these people will not like it very much when we as women decided to take time out for ourselves. They may express their discontentment or become irritated and grumpy. Ignore them. They will get used to our special private moments and come to understand and respect our needs and wants.
A few years ago, I made a big change in my life when I ended an unhappy relationship. I stopped socializing and spent most of my free time focusing on my daughter and my work, study and my writing. It was a time in my life where I needed to be myself and find out who I was. I felt very selfish saying no to people, but this experience also taught me how to be assertive and learn to say no. I’m sure I upset a few people during this time as I was not as easily available to people as I was before. No-one has actually come to me and said “You selfish bitch!” “How dare you take time out for yourself!” I felt like people were thinking it, however. So, how do I feel about it? Absolutely wonderful. That time that I spent on my own self development would have to be one of the most wonderful gifts I have ever given myself.
Today as I am writing this article, I am in a position where I am totally alone, as my daughter has left home. I have a wonderful, special man in my life, but he lives a long way from me. Being alone does not bother me, as I know things are going along as they are meant to. I am quite content to use the time I have to do things I have always wanted to do, like write a book, apply for jobs where my partner lives and plan my move there. I am not focusing on any outcomes, just moving slowly towards what I want in life. Nevertheless, if things were different and I was living with my partner and daughter, I would take time out for me. I would take care of myself and my personal needs, as this is something that is really important to me. Women need to tell their loved ones what it is they need and if they’re loved ones don’t like it, eventually they will come around. My partner is always telling me to look after myself, do what makes me happy and to stop worrying about everyone else. I whole-heartedly agree with him and I suggest that all women out there do the same.
Copyright 2005 Janelle Coulton
Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional writer of articles, essays and short stories. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have questions about human relationships or have relationship troubles. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny, she loves to encourage her readers to look at the big picture. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo!
You will find more information available, articles and relationship advice and tips at Jel's websites:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
SOUL-MATES
Do you believe you’ve found your soul-mate? How do you know if your partner is your soul-mate? This process takes time. Quality time spent together getting to know your significant other. The longer you are in love with your soul-mate; the chances are higher that you have found your soul-mate. Better communication skills will emerge and you both will share more experiences resulting in more similarities. Soul-mates are two people who are very compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, and sensitivity.
If you can merely hold each other in silence, saying completely nothing, and still the pain goes away, then you have found your soul-mate. He or she senses your thoughts and feelings without either of you sharing them, and shares a love with you that empty platitudes and clichés can never capture.
The simple thought of your soul-mate, the knowledge that he or she is present in your life, and loves you will be enough to take away the pain. You will gain strength from knowing he or she is close by and together you are united as a couple. When you find your soul-mate, you don’t even need to hear their voice or feel their caress in order to find comfort. Even if you are separated by thousands of miles, the pain goes away simply because you know your partner loves and cares about you. Soul-mate relationships have incredible soothing powers; they are heart warming and possess healing qualities.
You know you have found your soul-mate when everything that you experience you want to share with them. When you see something beautiful, like a sunrise or a sunset, do you miss them and wish they could share this moment with you? When something good happens, do you immediately want to tell them about it? When you see him or her smile, or hear him or her laugh does that make you happy? Do you feel like you have a deep connection that you cannot put into words? If your answers to these questions are yes, then you have found your soul-mate.
You will want to share every part of yourself with your soul-mate. All of a sudden, living on your own will seem strange. Your soul-mate completes you and without them you feel incomplete. A soul-mate complements you in the deepest way. What you once lacked, he or she adds to your life. Your soul-mate improves you as a person, and inspires you to achieve life-time goals and work towards both of your dreams.
A soul-mate is not a perfect partner; a soul-mate is someone who is perfect for you. When you find your soul-mate you will see his or her faults. Love is not blind. You will be aware that your soul-mate lacks so much in so many areas of life, but that won’t matter at all. You know that you need each other, that you belong together, and that as a couple you will overcome all flaws and obstacles.
Copyright 2005, Janelle Coulton
Many people have asked me whether I think that soul-mates exist. And many people have disagreed with me and do not believe that their soul-mates are out there. Personally, I believe you can find your soul-mate. Some of us are lucky enough to do this and others are not. If you believe your lover is your soul-mate, and you feel that your relationship could be better, then I recommend you visit The Romantic's Website. This site is totally dedicated to creating a better relationship with your mate. Visit The Romantic Today!
For more information about Jel and to read some more of her articles, please visit the links below:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
If you can merely hold each other in silence, saying completely nothing, and still the pain goes away, then you have found your soul-mate. He or she senses your thoughts and feelings without either of you sharing them, and shares a love with you that empty platitudes and clichés can never capture.
The simple thought of your soul-mate, the knowledge that he or she is present in your life, and loves you will be enough to take away the pain. You will gain strength from knowing he or she is close by and together you are united as a couple. When you find your soul-mate, you don’t even need to hear their voice or feel their caress in order to find comfort. Even if you are separated by thousands of miles, the pain goes away simply because you know your partner loves and cares about you. Soul-mate relationships have incredible soothing powers; they are heart warming and possess healing qualities.
You know you have found your soul-mate when everything that you experience you want to share with them. When you see something beautiful, like a sunrise or a sunset, do you miss them and wish they could share this moment with you? When something good happens, do you immediately want to tell them about it? When you see him or her smile, or hear him or her laugh does that make you happy? Do you feel like you have a deep connection that you cannot put into words? If your answers to these questions are yes, then you have found your soul-mate.
You will want to share every part of yourself with your soul-mate. All of a sudden, living on your own will seem strange. Your soul-mate completes you and without them you feel incomplete. A soul-mate complements you in the deepest way. What you once lacked, he or she adds to your life. Your soul-mate improves you as a person, and inspires you to achieve life-time goals and work towards both of your dreams.
A soul-mate is not a perfect partner; a soul-mate is someone who is perfect for you. When you find your soul-mate you will see his or her faults. Love is not blind. You will be aware that your soul-mate lacks so much in so many areas of life, but that won’t matter at all. You know that you need each other, that you belong together, and that as a couple you will overcome all flaws and obstacles.
Copyright 2005, Janelle Coulton
Many people have asked me whether I think that soul-mates exist. And many people have disagreed with me and do not believe that their soul-mates are out there. Personally, I believe you can find your soul-mate. Some of us are lucky enough to do this and others are not. If you believe your lover is your soul-mate, and you feel that your relationship could be better, then I recommend you visit The Romantic's Website. This site is totally dedicated to creating a better relationship with your mate. Visit The Romantic Today!
For more information about Jel and to read some more of her articles, please visit the links below:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
Guilt – The Wasted Emotion
There are so many of us who are completely unaware of how self-defeating it is to constantly feel guilt. The belief in society is; if we have done wrong, we should feel guilty and ashamed. We are never advised (unless we seek professional advice) to move past our guilt. Many of us also believe that staying in a place of guilt or making a decision based around guilt is a noble thing to do. These attitudes and beliefs surrounding the emotions of guilt are more self-destructive than any of us realize.
Guilt is a natural, normal emotion that passes through us when we believe we have done wrong or done someone harm. Guild will rear it ugly head when we are reminded of our past mistakes. When people feel guilty, they will quite often act in a way that is not true to their real self. This is not to say that people should not feel guilty if they have done the wrong thing or harmed someone. Guilt is a natural reaction. It is when we hold onto those guilty feelings that we will begin to self-destruct.
The only positive aspect of guilt is the lesson we learn. If guilt drives us to learn a lesson, then it has served it purpose. It is important to learn the lesson and move on in a loving way, with the intention of learning from the mistake. Many of us wallow in guilt and then self pity arrives. Wasting our energy in this way is counter-productive. Make amends, forgive ourselves and move on. Regret and remorse are not the same as guilt. Regret and remorse allows us to make amends, and allow our light to shine again.
Anyone who believes that remaining in a state of guilt ridden despair is a noble thing to do, or is just what they deserve. They are quite simply; fooling themselves. Someone who is deliberately attempting to trigger a person’s guilt is an emotional blackmailer and chances are that is person is carrying around a lot of emotional baggage that they have not dealt with. We should never allow anyone to prey on our weaknesses and trigger our guilty feelings. Unfortunately in life, it is not always easy to pinpoint those kinds of actions and these kinds of people. We are usually to busy shouldering the blame, or wallowing in our own feelings of guilt that we miss the signals altogether.
The answer to letting go of your guilt is to forgive, forgive yourself and your actions and the other party if necessary. It is only through forgiveness that we can truly move on to a more positive existence. Forgiving ourselves when we feel that we are to blame is easier said than done, it is very hard to not feel that twinge of regret when we think of our actions in the past. However, if we don’t at least forgive ourselves, the guilt will rip us apart forever. Forgiveness is not absolving our wrongs, and it is not condoning the bad behaviour that caused us to feel guilty in the first place. It also does not mean that you condone the other parties’ behaviour either. Forgiveness is about letting go of the guilt and feeling free to move on with life.
Forgetting is the harder part of the equation. It is often because people cannot forget their wrongs of the past that they are unable to forgive. This is where it becomes tricky. No-one would ever tell you to forget a mistake that caused another pain and caused you a tremendous amount of guilt, because it is remembering our mistakes that teach us what to be aware of the next time. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things; when you are in a state of guilt you cannot forget. In this situation, I will again stress that you ask for forgiveness, ask the persons or persons you have wronged to forgive you. If they say no, and they could take a very long time to agree to forgive you, you will need to work on forgiving yourself for now. Maybe down the track, if you are given an opportunity, you can ask the wronged party for forgiveness again. However, it is more important that you try very hard to forgive yourself. I realize this could take time, given how serious your transgression was, but it is vitally important to your own mental health to work at this as hard as you can.
Copyright©2005 Janelle Coulton
Cucan Pemo’s book, “Bring Back the Love of your Life.” is a book that I highly recommend. It is first and foremost a book about repairing a broken relationship, however the principles in this book will assist anyone trying to create a more positive, and loving attitude toward themselves. This book comes as a three part series of E-books accompanied with a work book to track your progress. Visit: Visit Retrieve A Lover Today for more information or to download these books today.
Guilt is a natural, normal emotion that passes through us when we believe we have done wrong or done someone harm. Guild will rear it ugly head when we are reminded of our past mistakes. When people feel guilty, they will quite often act in a way that is not true to their real self. This is not to say that people should not feel guilty if they have done the wrong thing or harmed someone. Guilt is a natural reaction. It is when we hold onto those guilty feelings that we will begin to self-destruct.
The only positive aspect of guilt is the lesson we learn. If guilt drives us to learn a lesson, then it has served it purpose. It is important to learn the lesson and move on in a loving way, with the intention of learning from the mistake. Many of us wallow in guilt and then self pity arrives. Wasting our energy in this way is counter-productive. Make amends, forgive ourselves and move on. Regret and remorse are not the same as guilt. Regret and remorse allows us to make amends, and allow our light to shine again.
Anyone who believes that remaining in a state of guilt ridden despair is a noble thing to do, or is just what they deserve. They are quite simply; fooling themselves. Someone who is deliberately attempting to trigger a person’s guilt is an emotional blackmailer and chances are that is person is carrying around a lot of emotional baggage that they have not dealt with. We should never allow anyone to prey on our weaknesses and trigger our guilty feelings. Unfortunately in life, it is not always easy to pinpoint those kinds of actions and these kinds of people. We are usually to busy shouldering the blame, or wallowing in our own feelings of guilt that we miss the signals altogether.
The answer to letting go of your guilt is to forgive, forgive yourself and your actions and the other party if necessary. It is only through forgiveness that we can truly move on to a more positive existence. Forgiving ourselves when we feel that we are to blame is easier said than done, it is very hard to not feel that twinge of regret when we think of our actions in the past. However, if we don’t at least forgive ourselves, the guilt will rip us apart forever. Forgiveness is not absolving our wrongs, and it is not condoning the bad behaviour that caused us to feel guilty in the first place. It also does not mean that you condone the other parties’ behaviour either. Forgiveness is about letting go of the guilt and feeling free to move on with life.
Forgetting is the harder part of the equation. It is often because people cannot forget their wrongs of the past that they are unable to forgive. This is where it becomes tricky. No-one would ever tell you to forget a mistake that caused another pain and caused you a tremendous amount of guilt, because it is remembering our mistakes that teach us what to be aware of the next time. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things; when you are in a state of guilt you cannot forget. In this situation, I will again stress that you ask for forgiveness, ask the persons or persons you have wronged to forgive you. If they say no, and they could take a very long time to agree to forgive you, you will need to work on forgiving yourself for now. Maybe down the track, if you are given an opportunity, you can ask the wronged party for forgiveness again. However, it is more important that you try very hard to forgive yourself. I realize this could take time, given how serious your transgression was, but it is vitally important to your own mental health to work at this as hard as you can.
Copyright©2005 Janelle Coulton
Cucan Pemo’s book, “Bring Back the Love of your Life.” is a book that I highly recommend. It is first and foremost a book about repairing a broken relationship, however the principles in this book will assist anyone trying to create a more positive, and loving attitude toward themselves. This book comes as a three part series of E-books accompanied with a work book to track your progress. Visit: Visit Retrieve A Lover Today for more information or to download these books today.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
You Do Not Need Your Lover
Many of us feel as though we could not live without our partners, but it’s not true. Part of the reason relationships fail is because one partner may have been too needy. Learning how to deal with neediness and building your own independence and confidence is the key here. The problem is those little voices in your head are rattling away up there telling you all sorts of rubbish. This is your sub conscious and our intuition. Sometimes these thoughts are spot on and are good thoughts, and sometimes these thoughts can be negative. This only serves to halt your progress. You may start to feel unlovable, not good enough, insecure or needy, which may cause you to act out of neediness. As hard as it is not to let your sub conscious self trigger your emotions, you must attempt to control our way of thinking.
Keep telling yourself over and over, that you are lovable, and you are plenty good enough. Do not fall into the trap of acting on your emotions. If you feel needy, then you need to turn it around and choose to be with that person, because you want to. Showing your ex lover your needy side is a turn off, they will run.
For some reason we live with a false sense of need. Were we taught this as children? Needing someone in our lives is a false emotion. Someone once said to me, that we all need to connect with others. Does that necessarily mean you need a lover? No; I don’t think so. When you are hurt, your feelings and emotions will also exaggerate what is happening. If your lover is leaving you, you will exaggerate the truth and believe that you truly need that person. The more you carry on with this way of thinking, the less chance you will have of them returning to you. You need to not need them. And they need to see that you do not need them.
I believe some people get a certain kind of ego boost from another’s neediness. It’s understandable; that feeling of someone needing us would be flattering to the ego. We all desire love, approval and acceptance, but we don’t need these things. Basically your attitude needs to be devil may care. If the relationship fails it’s okay. Then you move on with your life. Sounds so easy, but I know it isn’t.
Remember to keep neediness out of it. Tell your lover anything but don’t say I need you. You will frighten them into running further away from you. You love them, you desire them, you want to be a part of their lives, but you do not need them. If you are someone who has a needy side, realizing that being with your lover is a choice of love and not needing your lover would be the best thing for you at this point in time.
Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton
Stop your Break up today! This amazing series of E-books covers many issues concerning problems in relationships and marriage. You will get access to 22 E-books and many other resources. The Lifted Hearts forum is also great, as there are many people there who are sharing the same troubles as you are: Get access to this fantastic set of relationship resources today at: RelationshipsAnonymous (Formerly known as Lifted Hearts)
Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional writer of articles, essays and short stories. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have questions about human relationships or have relationship troubles. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny, she loves to encourage her readers to look at the big picture. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo! You can go to the following link to check it out: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/StopBreakup/
You will find more information available, articles and relationship advice and tips at Jel's websites:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
Keep telling yourself over and over, that you are lovable, and you are plenty good enough. Do not fall into the trap of acting on your emotions. If you feel needy, then you need to turn it around and choose to be with that person, because you want to. Showing your ex lover your needy side is a turn off, they will run.
For some reason we live with a false sense of need. Were we taught this as children? Needing someone in our lives is a false emotion. Someone once said to me, that we all need to connect with others. Does that necessarily mean you need a lover? No; I don’t think so. When you are hurt, your feelings and emotions will also exaggerate what is happening. If your lover is leaving you, you will exaggerate the truth and believe that you truly need that person. The more you carry on with this way of thinking, the less chance you will have of them returning to you. You need to not need them. And they need to see that you do not need them.
I believe some people get a certain kind of ego boost from another’s neediness. It’s understandable; that feeling of someone needing us would be flattering to the ego. We all desire love, approval and acceptance, but we don’t need these things. Basically your attitude needs to be devil may care. If the relationship fails it’s okay. Then you move on with your life. Sounds so easy, but I know it isn’t.
Remember to keep neediness out of it. Tell your lover anything but don’t say I need you. You will frighten them into running further away from you. You love them, you desire them, you want to be a part of their lives, but you do not need them. If you are someone who has a needy side, realizing that being with your lover is a choice of love and not needing your lover would be the best thing for you at this point in time.
Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton
Stop your Break up today! This amazing series of E-books covers many issues concerning problems in relationships and marriage. You will get access to 22 E-books and many other resources. The Lifted Hearts forum is also great, as there are many people there who are sharing the same troubles as you are: Get access to this fantastic set of relationship resources today at: RelationshipsAnonymous (Formerly known as Lifted Hearts)
Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional writer of articles, essays and short stories. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have questions about human relationships or have relationship troubles. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny, she loves to encourage her readers to look at the big picture. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo! You can go to the following link to check it out: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/StopBreakup/
You will find more information available, articles and relationship advice and tips at Jel's websites:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
Saturday, November 17, 2007
After A Breakup - Take Care of You
After A Break-up - Take Care of You
Getting dumped really sucks. And it has happened to all of us at one time or another. Your self esteem is shattered beyond belief and the rejection you feel after a break-up can stir up many unwanted emotions and feelings. It is very easy to feel angry at yourself, your ex or anyone or anything that you feel caused the break-up. It is also normal to keep asking why this has happened. Such as was my case; my partner dumped me and did not give me a reason. If you are hoping to win back your lover, you best possible chance is get rid of your negative emotions and rebuild your shattered self esteem.
Anger and negative emotions will alter the way your think and feel. You could end up doing something very stupid; meaning saying nasty things to your ex lover that you do not mean. Unfortunately once the words are out there it’s a little hard to take them back. Negativity will drive people away from you; not bring them closer, which is what you want. It is very difficult to keep feelings of anger and bitterness at bay, but there are ways to do it.
Do let negative thoughts take over your thinking. When you start to feel anger rising within you, switch it off and think about something positive. Do something positive. I am certainly not saying that you cannot feel these emotions - you need to acknowledge your anger, grief, sadness and this process happens shortly after the break-up. However, when you are working on yourself in the hope of winning your ex-lover back, it is really in your best interests to shut off your negative emotions when they arise. Imagine yourself flushing them down toilet, which is where they belong.
Exercise is an excellent way to create a positive attitude within yourself. A good thirty minute walk or run, or a session at the gym will release those feel-good endorphins into your brain. This will encourage positive thinking and motivate your to keep exercising, because it make you feel good. Why do we engage in sex with our partners? Simple answer there; it feels good and we feel about ourselves. Many counselors recommend exercise to people who suffer from depression, especially if they are not on anti-depressants. The endorphins that your brain releases do the same things that anti-depressants do.
Get in touch with your friends and ask them for help in working through your negative emotions. Most likely you have done this and they know what you are going through, so they will understand and be happy to help. Make sure you explain that you might be calling on them on a regular basis and that it is okay if they unavailable to listen to you. Chances are though, your friends will be calling you regularly after a break-up to check on you and make sure that you are okay. It is very important that you try your hardest not to discuss your ex-lover or the break-up with your friends too much. It is very likely that all they are seeing is that you are hurting and they will not be able to be objective. If you need to discuss your ex or the break-up you should really consult someone who is objective, such as a counselor, your parish priest or your doctor.
Getting rid of your negative emotions and rebuilding your self esteem is one of the best things you can do to get your ex-lover back. You should not be calling him or her, or trying to initiate any kind of contact. You need to distance yourself from your ex and get your life back on track. In doing this, you will become more attractive to your ex-lover as he or she will wonder why they have not heard from and they will be curious as to what is happening in your life. Once you have re-built your positive attitude and outstanding self-esteem, you are now ready to formulate a solid plan to win your ex-love back.
Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton
Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove
Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional writer of articles, essays and short stories. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have questions about human relationships or have relationship troubles. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny, she loves to encourage her readers to look at the big picture. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo! You can get more info at Jel’s website:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
Getting dumped really sucks. And it has happened to all of us at one time or another. Your self esteem is shattered beyond belief and the rejection you feel after a break-up can stir up many unwanted emotions and feelings. It is very easy to feel angry at yourself, your ex or anyone or anything that you feel caused the break-up. It is also normal to keep asking why this has happened. Such as was my case; my partner dumped me and did not give me a reason. If you are hoping to win back your lover, you best possible chance is get rid of your negative emotions and rebuild your shattered self esteem.
Anger and negative emotions will alter the way your think and feel. You could end up doing something very stupid; meaning saying nasty things to your ex lover that you do not mean. Unfortunately once the words are out there it’s a little hard to take them back. Negativity will drive people away from you; not bring them closer, which is what you want. It is very difficult to keep feelings of anger and bitterness at bay, but there are ways to do it.
Do let negative thoughts take over your thinking. When you start to feel anger rising within you, switch it off and think about something positive. Do something positive. I am certainly not saying that you cannot feel these emotions - you need to acknowledge your anger, grief, sadness and this process happens shortly after the break-up. However, when you are working on yourself in the hope of winning your ex-lover back, it is really in your best interests to shut off your negative emotions when they arise. Imagine yourself flushing them down toilet, which is where they belong.
Exercise is an excellent way to create a positive attitude within yourself. A good thirty minute walk or run, or a session at the gym will release those feel-good endorphins into your brain. This will encourage positive thinking and motivate your to keep exercising, because it make you feel good. Why do we engage in sex with our partners? Simple answer there; it feels good and we feel about ourselves. Many counselors recommend exercise to people who suffer from depression, especially if they are not on anti-depressants. The endorphins that your brain releases do the same things that anti-depressants do.
Get in touch with your friends and ask them for help in working through your negative emotions. Most likely you have done this and they know what you are going through, so they will understand and be happy to help. Make sure you explain that you might be calling on them on a regular basis and that it is okay if they unavailable to listen to you. Chances are though, your friends will be calling you regularly after a break-up to check on you and make sure that you are okay. It is very important that you try your hardest not to discuss your ex-lover or the break-up with your friends too much. It is very likely that all they are seeing is that you are hurting and they will not be able to be objective. If you need to discuss your ex or the break-up you should really consult someone who is objective, such as a counselor, your parish priest or your doctor.
Getting rid of your negative emotions and rebuilding your self esteem is one of the best things you can do to get your ex-lover back. You should not be calling him or her, or trying to initiate any kind of contact. You need to distance yourself from your ex and get your life back on track. In doing this, you will become more attractive to your ex-lover as he or she will wonder why they have not heard from and they will be curious as to what is happening in your life. Once you have re-built your positive attitude and outstanding self-esteem, you are now ready to formulate a solid plan to win your ex-love back.
Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton
Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove
Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional writer of articles, essays and short stories. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have questions about human relationships or have relationship troubles. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny, she loves to encourage her readers to look at the big picture. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo! You can get more info at Jel’s website:
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
Get A Life!
Get a Life!
You don’t need anybody, and you need to tell yourself that as often as it will take to sink in. You may want someone, you may love someone, you may choose to be with someone, but you do not need them. A need is something we cannot live without, like food and water. We can all live without a relationship quite fine thank you and don’t believe anyone who tells you different.
A relationship and a partner is not the most important thing in life. Believe it or not, you are! You are the most important person in this scenario and you need to treat yourself accordingly. No more telling yourself that you can’t live without your lover. And no more telling them that either. When an ex lover senses your neediness, they will run like lightening. A person’s neediness is scary to them, as they have their own needs to worry about and when it comes to needs, it is our responsibility to see that our needs are met. Do expect your partner to take care of your every need, because in the real world that’s no how it works.
Having a lover in your life is not essential to your happiness. In-fact, relying on having a lover to satisfy your happiness is going about things in the wrong way. We are all responsible for our own happiness too. Our happiness needs to come from within ourselves, before we can even contemplate having a healthy relationship.
The bottom line here is; get a life! Whether you are through with the relationship or not, moving on with your life is your first priority. If you are hoping for that your ex will want to come back to you, then it is even more important to get rid of your neediness and focus on looking after you and creating a new life.
One piece of advice I will leave you with is; if you are planning to re-unite with your ex and are thinking that dating others is harmless. Think again. You ex may well take this the wrong way. You can hardly focus on re-building your relationship if you are caught up in the dating game. I’m not saying you cannot go out and enjoy yourself, just make sure you socialize with people you trust and people who are not interested in pursuing you. If your ex sees that you are dating, they may think that you are not that interested in putting the relationship back together. Many relationship gurus recommend dating as soon as possible, however I tend to feel that this is mistake.
When are strongly attached to another person it is very easy to deceive ourselves into thinking that we need this person. This is not the case. You do not need anyone. You will be fine alone if that is what you choose for yourself. And there are many people who simply choose a life alone because this feels right to them. This is totally their choice and for a time a chose this life for myself. However it was not long until I began to miss the closeness that you share with a partner within a relationship and I decided that I did not want to be alone for the rest of my life. Moving on, and doing the work of getting a life is where we learn what it is we want from life. It is also where we learn about who we are. It is hard to see a positive side, when you are heart broken. However, this time to yourself that your ex has given you is really a gift for you to treasure.
Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton
Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove
Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional relationship & fiction writer. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have troubled relationships. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo! You can get more info at Jel’s websites, go to
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/ or
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
You don’t need anybody, and you need to tell yourself that as often as it will take to sink in. You may want someone, you may love someone, you may choose to be with someone, but you do not need them. A need is something we cannot live without, like food and water. We can all live without a relationship quite fine thank you and don’t believe anyone who tells you different.
A relationship and a partner is not the most important thing in life. Believe it or not, you are! You are the most important person in this scenario and you need to treat yourself accordingly. No more telling yourself that you can’t live without your lover. And no more telling them that either. When an ex lover senses your neediness, they will run like lightening. A person’s neediness is scary to them, as they have their own needs to worry about and when it comes to needs, it is our responsibility to see that our needs are met. Do expect your partner to take care of your every need, because in the real world that’s no how it works.
Having a lover in your life is not essential to your happiness. In-fact, relying on having a lover to satisfy your happiness is going about things in the wrong way. We are all responsible for our own happiness too. Our happiness needs to come from within ourselves, before we can even contemplate having a healthy relationship.
The bottom line here is; get a life! Whether you are through with the relationship or not, moving on with your life is your first priority. If you are hoping for that your ex will want to come back to you, then it is even more important to get rid of your neediness and focus on looking after you and creating a new life.
One piece of advice I will leave you with is; if you are planning to re-unite with your ex and are thinking that dating others is harmless. Think again. You ex may well take this the wrong way. You can hardly focus on re-building your relationship if you are caught up in the dating game. I’m not saying you cannot go out and enjoy yourself, just make sure you socialize with people you trust and people who are not interested in pursuing you. If your ex sees that you are dating, they may think that you are not that interested in putting the relationship back together. Many relationship gurus recommend dating as soon as possible, however I tend to feel that this is mistake.
When are strongly attached to another person it is very easy to deceive ourselves into thinking that we need this person. This is not the case. You do not need anyone. You will be fine alone if that is what you choose for yourself. And there are many people who simply choose a life alone because this feels right to them. This is totally their choice and for a time a chose this life for myself. However it was not long until I began to miss the closeness that you share with a partner within a relationship and I decided that I did not want to be alone for the rest of my life. Moving on, and doing the work of getting a life is where we learn what it is we want from life. It is also where we learn about who we are. It is hard to see a positive side, when you are heart broken. However, this time to yourself that your ex has given you is really a gift for you to treasure.
Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton
Fix Your Broken Heart And Discover The Powerful Hidden Secrets To Stop Thinking About Your Ex Once And For Good! Get Your Free ‘Biggest Break up Mistakes’ Mini-Course. Go to: WinBackLove
Janelle Coulton (aka Jel) is a professional relationship & fiction writer. She is passionate about writing and helping people who have troubled relationships. Her work can be provocative, controversial and funny. Jel also runs a relationship group at Yahoo! You can get more info at Jel’s websites, go to
http://www.freewebs.com/jelbaby/ or
http://www.freewebs.com/jel1/index.htm
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